Meeting Titi again for tea brunch was a great past time, I just didn’t know that brunch was going to almost become dinner, as amidst, tears and all, she narrated her life since the last time we saw, this is her story in her own words-:
“I was at the mall with hubby this past weekend and saw an old colleague, after all the pleasantries I looked at her fully and noticed that it looks like she is pregnant, while I knew her at work back then she already had two boys meaning this is her 3rd. We didn’t talk about that at all but it was obvious she was in her first trimester. Then, as we went about our shopping I remembered during the week I saw my sister and I could see right away she was pregnant, I asked her and she said yes, I should bless God that my prayers for her where answered, you see she had come to me after her first child that they were trying again and it seems not to be clicking as the first, and asked that I should pray for her, knowing that I know all the verses in scripture about the issue and I sent them all to her to pray, and now she is pregnant.
We got home and I stopped to say hello to my young neighbour who calls me auntie, she had come to see me a month ago and said I should pray along with her as she has been trying to get pregnant for like two months and it is not working, but this day she was all smiles as she said she was finally pregnant with her third child as well. I hugged her and congratulated her, but hmmm, you don’t know how pained I was with the news, I was torn between my joy for her success in achieving pregnancy and my sadness at why mine cannot be as fast as this, and thought God where is your face, answer me speedily!
I got to work the next day and my friend told me she was pregnant too, then I remembered my friend in church, whom I had not seen in a while, saw her tummy big, she had added weight and I asked her, why are you so big now, she told me it was the time of the month, so she was bloated, only to receive a text that she just had another boy, her fifth child! I replied her about what she said last week and she said she was just joking she didn’t know that I actually believed it, she thought I knew. My sister in-law is pregnant too, she is in her last trimester and nobody told me, I just noticed she has been avoiding me until they made a call to inform me, when I asked hubby about it, he said he knew and thought I did.
Now I am angry! Why do people see the need to hide good news from me? Why do I actually feel this bad, very bad because I have so many people pregnant around me? I feel so sad that I can pray for someone and they get pregnant and I have not been able to do so? Is there something else I am not doing right? I cannot pinpoint the exact feeling, not sure if I am feeling sorry for myself, sad that I am not pregnant, angry that I have not achieved my desire with so many prayers, wondering if I have to do IVF, why I, as a child of God, have to be a candidate for IVF, when He promised to give me whatever I ask? Why has God not seen my pain and hurt and shame and answered me already. How do I go through nine months with all these people around me and not burst out and wail. Why do they see already my countenance that is why they hide their pregnancy or do they feel I will ask God to take their babies from them, or what exactly. I do rejoice with those who are pregnant, it gives me hope that I am one step closer, but when God, when? Modupe, how do I deal with this pain and hurt and ache in my heart, the too many emotions raging is overwhelming…..