The fourteenth day came eventually; I had not started bleeding like I read in hoards of internet research so I was hopeful that it was going to be a positive one. It was our first IVF and I always prayed that when we eventually did it, it would work out in our favour and we got a lot of confirmations and mini miracles along the way, so we had high hopes and I had pregnancy symptoms which they told us could happen with some of the drugs I was still taking anyway, I believed I was pregnant.
We got to the hospital way early with our sample as requested and after collecting our samples we sat in the waiting room for just a few minutes which I thought was a whole day. Just as the Doctor called us in and I got up, I staggered a bit in dizziness as the fear was just too much. We sat in his office and I refused to look at his face, for some reason I had to look for something in my bag, on my phone or on the wall of the Doctor’s office! LoL. He asked if I had seen any blood etc and I said no to all, he finally said, ‘it is well. We are sorry to inform you that this cycle didn’t work out. I held my breath for a few minutes in a haze, I couldn’t hear anything anymore as my husband and the Doctor spoke, all I know was like I was suffocating and gasping for air as if I was drowning in the sea of tears gushing out of me. They didn’t even know I was crying until they heard the sniffs, snorts and saw a wet tissue! If you remember the song, ‘cry me a river… The guy wrote it with me in mind as I cried, I tried smiling letting them know I was okay, but the gasps and tears didn’t stop, it just kept coming. He told us to wait a few more days, and that if my period doesn’t start, we should do another pregnancy test and a scan and with that we left.
Walking out of the office I met another lady with her eyes swollen coming out, we looked at each other with consoling looks, said nothing and left our separate ways. That day was the darkest, deepest, saddest day of my life. My husband just held me till we got home, we prayed for peace at home and he stayed with me throughout not going back to work.
Consequently, I sank into a bleak state of despair and depression, bursting into tears at the slightest provocations, for example, if I saw a mother cuddling her child I cried, whether in life or on TV, if I see a pregnant woman I cried, everything made me cry. When I thought will I ever have a child? Was IVF really my only option? Where is God in all this? I cried and cried some more. I was cry baby, took that award from Kate Henshaw. Lol… And as I cried I ate, entered every supermarket I came across and bought chocolates, sweets and ate. Everything I saw that came across my nose, I sniffed and ate. I couldn’t really tell anyone so it was tough, especially when my husband had to travel for work and sorts. I never got any form of counseling from the clinic so I didn’t even know I was entitled to this as the Clinic just stopped communicating at one point. (This was more of my perception as I later was told the doctor actually tried getting in touch but my phones were off as I zeroed off from the world).
It took me months to get over what I consider a loss, as I felt it was a baby I had and lost; though all my pregnancy tests which I overdid anyway came negative. I immersed myself in work and the word and gradually started coming out of it; I started an exercise regime to lose the weight I packed on and stopped using the folic acid, cleared my drawers of the remaining injections and moved on. I say it again; it is good for the husband to be a great support and I thank God for mine as he was just so supportive, encouraging and loving at this period. This brought us even more closely together and it is helping our relationship till date. While I am not looking forward to another roller coaster with the IVF Clinic, I am exploring other options and praying knowing that with God all things are possible. THE END
To Adebisi, I leave this word, as I know what you have gone through…He says NONE shall cast their young before time nor be barren in the land. Notice the underlined NONE, that includes you, we shall not be barren in the land. So fix your eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith. To my readers, remember to share and encourage others; feel free to add your stories and experiences as well. Bless.