I logged on to facebook and saw your year thing which is trending now and pondered to myself …how has the year been?

Suddenly I was transported back to the Watch night service of 2013 where it was declared our year of upgrade and my Pastor read Isaiah 54. I was elated, so excited, as I knew the word was for me. I was entering 2014 victorious, fruitful as that was all I heard. I knew I was going to be carrying my babies this year 2014. So, spiritually lifted, I entered the year expectant,  heart, mind and eyes wide open.

I waited, and then it was January ending, I waited and then it was February ending, March,  April, May and behold my marriage was 10 years. I looked at my plans for my 10year anniversary and in it I had kids who were flower girls and page boys for my second walk down the isle…hmmmm….renewal of our vows, rededicating our lives over again, moi in my very white wedding gown, voluptuous angelic and heavenly …a gown I chose for myself this time and dh in his crisp suit, sauve and sexy as ever…..a rude shudder brought me back to my reality with questions, now, does God really exist, does He? I thought to myself amidst the torrent of tears that I had no control over, if He does, surely He must feel my pain and know that it is horrible and answer me just because…..

Then, I sank lower than I ever have, depressed, feeling dejected, rejected and alone, dh, God bless his heart, tried to reach me, but I was blocked off by this wall of depression, I was sad, oh, I was angry. Angry at the Government for not providing simple amenities, angry at clients who asked too many questions, turned down and lost some jobs as I could not get myself together, angry at everything and angry I could do nothing about it… I sank the more, moody, lost, alone….I was affected, my business was affected…

I managed to go to church, dh won’t have it any other way, and I was closed off, my eyes rolling as pastor preached, ‘I have heard this before, what has my faith gotten me? I can’t even pray and He gives me a simple baby!’ Then, I see new borns and young mothers and I am more angry, ‘why does she get and I don’t?’ I signed out, gloomy and gone. Oh, I still communicated, went about, did what I could, but I was depressed. I started seeking to go back and see a shrink,(oh yes I did speak to one previously when I contemplated suicide) and I realised this time, sbe might prescribe antidepressants. So I came up with a plan, work on my goals and what I could do, lose weight, read books, learn something, travel.  This worked, I can say to an extent, exercise did a whole lot of good and the travel was soothing, dh did good on that, and I got back refreshed and feeling a lot better. 

And then came December, on the first day of the month, Mrs. Anxiety came Knocking again,  I was losing weight but had stopped exercising, ‘what happened?’ You might ask, I was in a race against time, I needed to achieve pregnancy and I strived, spiritually, physically….all what not. Phew. I became exhausted, always feeling tired, with this sinking feeling, until today, I had to tell myself around 2am at the bathroom mirror, mirror, ‘girl you are alive, God does not work with man’s timetable, certainly not your timetable. I realised age is but a number in God’s timetable, what I consider as a miracle which I want, is to Him a piece of cake, normal in His Kingdom. And for the first time through 2014, today, I gave it all up, the apprehension, anxiety, feeling of loss and failure, sadness and gloom….I gave it all up.

I won’t say, I’m not slightly anxious of 2015, but I feel much better, though the world is counting the years for me or my age, I work with God’s time from now on. I truly do not want to over spiritualise this….I just feel in the world, there is a higher power, I chose to believe God is the higher power and I give it all up. It doesn’t mean I will stop crying or feeling lonely but when I do, I give it all up. And so, I saw the true meaning of Isaiah 54, please read a few  verses below and read all when you can:

“Sing, barren woman,
    you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
    you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
    than of her who has a husband,”
says the Lord.
“Enlarge the place of your tent,
    stretch your tent curtains wide,
    do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
    strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
    your descendants will dispossess nations
    and settle in their desolate cities.
“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
    Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
    and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
For your Maker is your husband—
    the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
    he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
    as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
    only to be rejected,” says your God.
“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
    but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
    I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
    I will have compassion on you,”
    says the Lord your Redeemer.

God has changed my status, I am in God’s realm child or not. So, as I always do every year, I put my hands forward and ask God to take my hands and lead me into the Year 2015. No matter what it holds, I pray for grace, never to let go of His hands or Him of mine. As I end this, I want to write my goals out for the new year, I have been in a battle with God, asking ‘what’s the point of writing goals, when the crucial ones I write each year I have not been able to achieve?’….today, He said, daughter of mine, you are not a failure because you do not have a child, far from it, you are victorious in Me. I read something somewhere that just caps it all: So, I turn from contemplating David’s example to ask myself…Can I, in my circumstances, “hope in the Lord”? Can I wait in faith and patience without fretting and without questioning God’s wisdom? Can I trust Him while He works in me His good, acceptable, and perfect will? Selah



The Longest wait ever…Adebisi has boarded and landed! ? Or has she?

The fourteenth day came eventually; I had not started bleeding like I read in hoards of internet research so I was hopeful that it was going to be a positive one. It was our first IVF and I always prayed that when we eventually did it, it would work out in our favour and we got a lot of confirmations and mini miracles along the way, so we had high hopes and I had pregnancy symptoms which they told us could happen with some of the drugs I was still taking anyway, I believed I was pregnant.
We got to the hospital way early with our sample as requested and after collecting our samples we sat in the waiting room for just a few minutes which I thought was a whole day. Just as the Doctor called us in and I got up, I staggered a bit in dizziness as the fear was just too much. We sat in his office and I refused to look at his face, for some reason I had to look for something in my bag, on my phone or on the wall of the Doctor’s office! LoL. He asked if I had seen any blood etc and I said no to all, he finally said, ‘it is well. We are sorry to inform you that this cycle didn’t work out. I held my breath for a few minutes in a haze, I couldn’t hear anything anymore as my husband and the Doctor spoke, all I know was like I was suffocating and gasping for air as if I was drowning in the sea of tears gushing out of me. They didn’t even know I was crying until they heard the sniffs, snorts and saw a wet tissue! If you remember the song, ‘cry me a river… The guy wrote it with me in mind as I cried, I tried smiling letting them know I was okay, but the gasps and tears didn’t stop, it just kept coming. He told us to wait a few more days, and that if my period doesn’t start, we should do another pregnancy test and a scan and with that we left.

Walking out of the office I met another lady with her eyes swollen coming out, we looked at each other with consoling looks, said nothing and left our separate ways. That day was the darkest, deepest, saddest day of my life. My husband just held me till we got home, we prayed for peace at home and he stayed with me throughout not going back to work.
Consequently, I sank into a bleak state of despair and depression, bursting into tears at the slightest provocations, for example, if I saw a mother cuddling her child I cried, whether in life or on TV, if I see a pregnant woman I cried, everything made me cry. When I thought will I ever have a child? Was IVF really my only option? Where is God in all this? I cried and cried some more. I was cry baby, took that award from Kate Henshaw. Lol… And as I cried I ate, entered every supermarket I came across and bought chocolates, sweets and ate. Everything I saw that came across my nose, I sniffed and ate. I couldn’t really tell anyone so it was tough, especially when my husband had to travel for work and sorts. I never got any form of counseling from the clinic so I didn’t even know I was entitled to this as the Clinic just stopped communicating at one point. (This was more of my perception as I later was told the doctor actually tried getting in touch but my phones were off as I zeroed off from the world).
It took me months to get over what I consider a loss, as I felt it was a baby I had and lost; though all my pregnancy tests which I overdid anyway came negative. I immersed myself in work and the word and gradually started coming out of it; I started an exercise regime to lose the weight I packed on and stopped using the folic acid, cleared my drawers of the remaining injections and moved on. I say it again; it is good for the husband to be a great support and I thank God for mine as he was just so supportive, encouraging and loving at this period. This brought us even more closely together and it is helping our relationship till date. While I am not looking forward to another roller coaster with the IVF Clinic, I am exploring other options and praying knowing that with God all things are possible. THE END

To Adebisi, I leave this word, as I know what you have gone through…He says NONE shall cast their young before time nor be barren in the land. Notice the underlined NONE, that includes you, we shall not be barren in the land. So fix your eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith. To my readers, remember to share and encourage others; feel free to add your stories and experiences as well. Bless.