I logged on to facebook and saw your year thing which is trending now and pondered to myself …how has the year been?

Suddenly I was transported back to the Watch night service of 2013 where it was declared our year of upgrade and my Pastor read Isaiah 54. I was elated, so excited, as I knew the word was for me. I was entering 2014 victorious, fruitful as that was all I heard. I knew I was going to be carrying my babies this year 2014. So, spiritually lifted, I entered the year expectant,  heart, mind and eyes wide open.

I waited, and then it was January ending, I waited and then it was February ending, March,  April, May and behold my marriage was 10 years. I looked at my plans for my 10year anniversary and in it I had kids who were flower girls and page boys for my second walk down the isle…hmmmm….renewal of our vows, rededicating our lives over again, moi in my very white wedding gown, voluptuous angelic and heavenly …a gown I chose for myself this time and dh in his crisp suit, sauve and sexy as ever…..a rude shudder brought me back to my reality with questions, now, does God really exist, does He? I thought to myself amidst the torrent of tears that I had no control over, if He does, surely He must feel my pain and know that it is horrible and answer me just because…..

Then, I sank lower than I ever have, depressed, feeling dejected, rejected and alone, dh, God bless his heart, tried to reach me, but I was blocked off by this wall of depression, I was sad, oh, I was angry. Angry at the Government for not providing simple amenities, angry at clients who asked too many questions, turned down and lost some jobs as I could not get myself together, angry at everything and angry I could do nothing about it… I sank the more, moody, lost, alone….I was affected, my business was affected…

I managed to go to church, dh won’t have it any other way, and I was closed off, my eyes rolling as pastor preached, ‘I have heard this before, what has my faith gotten me? I can’t even pray and He gives me a simple baby!’ Then, I see new borns and young mothers and I am more angry, ‘why does she get and I don’t?’ I signed out, gloomy and gone. Oh, I still communicated, went about, did what I could, but I was depressed. I started seeking to go back and see a shrink,(oh yes I did speak to one previously when I contemplated suicide) and I realised this time, sbe might prescribe antidepressants. So I came up with a plan, work on my goals and what I could do, lose weight, read books, learn something, travel.  This worked, I can say to an extent, exercise did a whole lot of good and the travel was soothing, dh did good on that, and I got back refreshed and feeling a lot better. 

And then came December, on the first day of the month, Mrs. Anxiety came Knocking again,  I was losing weight but had stopped exercising, ‘what happened?’ You might ask, I was in a race against time, I needed to achieve pregnancy and I strived, spiritually, physically….all what not. Phew. I became exhausted, always feeling tired, with this sinking feeling, until today, I had to tell myself around 2am at the bathroom mirror, mirror, ‘girl you are alive, God does not work with man’s timetable, certainly not your timetable. I realised age is but a number in God’s timetable, what I consider as a miracle which I want, is to Him a piece of cake, normal in His Kingdom. And for the first time through 2014, today, I gave it all up, the apprehension, anxiety, feeling of loss and failure, sadness and gloom….I gave it all up.

I won’t say, I’m not slightly anxious of 2015, but I feel much better, though the world is counting the years for me or my age, I work with God’s time from now on. I truly do not want to over spiritualise this….I just feel in the world, there is a higher power, I chose to believe God is the higher power and I give it all up. It doesn’t mean I will stop crying or feeling lonely but when I do, I give it all up. And so, I saw the true meaning of Isaiah 54, please read a few  verses below and read all when you can:

“Sing, barren woman,
    you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
    you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
    than of her who has a husband,”
says the Lord.
“Enlarge the place of your tent,
    stretch your tent curtains wide,
    do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
    strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
    your descendants will dispossess nations
    and settle in their desolate cities.
“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
    Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
    and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
For your Maker is your husband—
    the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
    he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
    as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
    only to be rejected,” says your God.
“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
    but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
    I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
    I will have compassion on you,”
    says the Lord your Redeemer.

God has changed my status, I am in God’s realm child or not. So, as I always do every year, I put my hands forward and ask God to take my hands and lead me into the Year 2015. No matter what it holds, I pray for grace, never to let go of His hands or Him of mine. As I end this, I want to write my goals out for the new year, I have been in a battle with God, asking ‘what’s the point of writing goals, when the crucial ones I write each year I have not been able to achieve?’….today, He said, daughter of mine, you are not a failure because you do not have a child, far from it, you are victorious in Me. I read something somewhere that just caps it all: So, I turn from contemplating David’s example to ask myself…Can I, in my circumstances, “hope in the Lord”? Can I wait in faith and patience without fretting and without questioning God’s wisdom? Can I trust Him while He works in me His good, acceptable, and perfect will? Selah




Last year was a great year for Lamide, but according to her it could have been a better one if she had gotten pregnant with her twins. I share her story with you all today. It is a great testimony of God’s grace.


Lamide underwent IVF in August and it failed. She decided not to go for IVF again. The whole procedure was a bad emotional roller coaster,’ she says (you can say that again). The IVF Blues came and went. We kept talking through it all as I knew she needed the emotional support, and month after month, we spoke she would tell me when the red dragon* surfaces, sometimes we cry, sometimes we laugh about it and just let go.

I went to church one day and Pastor spoke about us fixing our eyes on Jesus, I shared this with her and she told me about a lady who gave a great testimony at the Redeemed Camp who waited twenty years and just had triplets. She said amidst tears the lady told her story of several IVF treatments, miscarriages, two stillbirths and when she was 45 years she just gave up and let it all go. She wanted to live rather than die of heartbreak. And suddenly, God appeared for her when she didn’t even have her mind set on it. She came with two adorable girls and one boy-HER TRIPLETS!!


Lamide never stopped talking about her embryo transfer; she still believed she had two babies in her. However, with help and prayers she let go and let God. She threw out all her remaining IVF treatment and immersed herself in work and church. Apart from the occasional regrets that the IVF hospital didn’t call her back for follow up and all, we never really dwelt on it.

Her hubby decided to surprise her with a wonderful Christmas holiday to get over all the stress of the year and rejuvenate, which she told me was swell, great bonding and couple time (wink wink). They had God time too, prayed and handed the whole issue to God and that was it. Of course they came with pictures to show they had fun and loads of shopping which was like great medicine for Lamide. Which girl won’t love all that spoiling!!!


 They got back the first week in January and work started, we were all busy and all, never really had time to talk until I spoke to her just last week and she said her period had started again with the usual delay tactics. I told her to put her mind off it, and over the weekend we chatted over BBM and I asked if the red dragon* had arrived, she said no, and I jokingly told her to take a home pregnancy test, she said she was just not ready for another late period craziness and trepidation nor fret over it.

So we left it at that until she sent me a picture this morning stating – would you be my God mother? I didn’t get it until we spoke later and she told me the home test was positive! Amidst the screams she was able to chip in the gist of how she decided to stop by the pharmacy and buy a digital pregnancy test kit, which she used in the office and she found out that she was indeed pregnant. The kit told her she was 4.5 weeks pregnant and counting back it was around the time they went for their vacation, we both giggled as we said almost together, ‘vacation paid off indeed!!’


Now how wonderful God can be all the time? He made all things beautiful in His time for her. No one knows yet, so I am honoured she gave me permission to share this here, though I am not using her real name anyway…lol…God heard her in all areas He saw the tears the hurt the pain of the IVF and He gave her a perfect gift just at the time she let go.


When you let go and let God, He takes the lead and blesses you with more than you can ever imagine. Now, I see my God as this perfect Gentleman who won’t barge into your life until you allow Him in. Never run your life as if you can, just let go and God will take the lead and bless you with blessings you cannot begin to think or imagine.

Lamide has been in this race for 11 years now, God was waiting for her to let go and the moment she did, He held her hands and is leading the way to fruitfulness. I love this story in this month of 2014, as He has promised, UPGRADE has begun! To Lamide’s little one, of course I will be your Godmother, if I won’t be your God mother, who will?! LoL WINK WINK!!





Meeting Titi again for tea brunch was a great past time, I just didn’t know that brunch was going to almost become dinner, as amidst, tears and all, she narrated her life since the last time we saw, this is her story in her own words-:

“I was at the mall with hubby this past weekend and saw an old colleague, after all the pleasantries I looked at her fully and noticed that it looks like she is pregnant, while I knew her at work back then she already had two boys meaning this is her 3rd. We didn’t talk about that at all but it was obvious she was in her first trimester. Then, as we went about our shopping I remembered during the week I saw my sister and I could see right away she was pregnant, I asked her and she said yes, I should bless God that my prayers for her where answered, you see she had come to me after her first child that they were trying again and it seems not to be clicking as the first, and asked that I should pray for her, knowing that I know all the verses in scripture about the issue and I sent them all to her to pray, and now she is pregnant.


We got home and I stopped to say hello to my young neighbour who calls me auntie, she had come to see me a month ago and said I should pray along with her as she has been trying to get pregnant for like two months and it is not working, but this day she was all smiles as she said she was finally pregnant with her third child as well. I hugged her and congratulated her, but hmmm, you don’t know how pained I was with the news, I was torn between my joy for her success in achieving pregnancy and my sadness at why mine cannot be as fast as this, and thought God where is your face, answer me speedily!


I got to work the next day and my friend told me she was pregnant too, then I remembered my friend in church, whom I had not seen in a while, saw her tummy big, she had added weight and I asked her, why are you so big now, she told me it was the time of the month, so she was bloated, only to receive a text that she just had another boy, her fifth child! I replied her about what she said last week and she said she was just joking she didn’t know that I actually believed it, she thought I knew. My sister in-law is pregnant too, she is in her last trimester and nobody told me, I just noticed she has been avoiding me until they made a call to inform me, when I asked hubby about it, he said he knew and thought I did.


Now I am angry! Why do people see the need to hide good news from me? Why do I actually feel this bad, very bad because I have so many people pregnant around me? I feel so sad that I can pray for someone and they get pregnant and I have not been able to do so? Is there something else I am not doing right? I cannot pinpoint the exact feeling, not sure if I am feeling sorry for myself, sad that I am not pregnant, angry that I have not achieved my desire with so many prayers, wondering if I have to do IVF, why I, as a child of God, have to be a candidate for IVF, when He promised to give me whatever I ask? Why has God not seen my pain and hurt and shame and answered me already. How do I go through nine months with all these people around me and not burst out and wail. Why do they see already my countenance that is why they hide their pregnancy or do they feel I will ask God to take their babies from them, or what exactly. I do rejoice with those who are pregnant, it gives me hope that I am one step closer, but when God, when? Modupe, how do I deal with this pain and hurt and ache in my heart, the too many emotions raging is overwhelming…..





I needed to digress a little for this wonderful person-Adenike Ogungbe. I met this lovely lady in August 2010 when I called her last minute to do my make-up for an important event, being the CEO of Ewar Make-overs, she was so friendly and nice on phone and promised to be at my house pronto on agreed date.


On my D-day she was on time and I didn’t need to call her and follow up like I do other people, she came herself to my house and she was so pleasant and sweet. She loved everything about me as she kept giving me compliments, so much that all the butterflies I had and tension before the event flew away as we talked and gisted while she worked.


Needless to say, her finished product as she dolled me up was spectacular and it was and has been my best make up yet as you can see on my profile(she did that make up). She was a very lovely lady in and out. I am privileged to have known her. I find it hard to believe you are gone Nike, you had a golden heart! You didn’t deserve to go now, you left too soon, how I wish you could come back! But in your life, you left a legacy, trained people, loved them, nurtured and was their mentor, a lot of women have a means of livelihood because of you. You are simply an angel!


I pray God our Healer and Comforter, grant your family grace too bear your loss! You died giving life to your little one at Childbirth, I bet this your little angel will grow up to be like you! Rest in peace dear one. Love you lots!!! Sun re o!!